THE WORLD WITH NO B.O. (Televisionland, I mean.)
3/13/07
My name is Jacoozi, and I am a geek.
I know I don’t seem like a geek, what with the sexy voice and the uber hip and transcendentally profound-yet-glamorous thoughts that fill my mind, like, constantly. But if I were to peel back the layers and show you what lies underneath… it’s a skinny sixth grader who’s in love with Jack Tripper.
He was awesome. The way he tripped all the time and the way he pretended to be gay whenever Mr. Roper came around snooping because they have all those rules in LA about straight guys not sharing apartments with two beautiful women. And Janet and Chrissie . . . well, who could ever ever ever be as cute and peachy as them? Definitely not this broad. Next to them I would always be a geek.
That’s right. I was a television addict. A junkie. It impacted every facet of my worldview. It fed into every neurotic impulse and insecurity I might have had to begin with. I was not as good as the people in the shows. Not as cute. Not as hip. Smart? Who the hell cared about smart? And I was really hardcore. Because growing up, we only had a couple of television stations and they didn’t even come in very well. So in order to feed my television obsession, I suffered through static and snow. Basically, I believed that the real world sucked and the tv world was better. It felt good. In the real world people had zits. In the real world people used the bathroom, and had bad breath from time to time. Nobody on tv ever had b.o. You gotta love a world where nobody has b.o.
It’s been a few years now. And I have to say that the more time goes by since I’ve watched, the less inclined I am to watch at all. If I turn on the television now, it’s actually hard to watch. I don’t want to leave this world as readily. I can’t buy into all the insecurities or the phoniness anymore. I don’t care if people are better looking on television. I want to know people, b.o. and all. I want to have conversations with garlic-breath laden mouths. I want to hear ideas coming from people with cellulite. Real people. Blemished people. Pock-marked and smelly people.
But televisions are cropping up everywhere these days it seems. I’ve banished it in my private life, but it seems more and more impossible to leave the house and not be bombarded with it in public spaces. Restaurants, Laundromats, malls, stores, bank lobbies, anywhere where people might have to wait in line, there are televisions turned on and bull crud being forced into your eyes and ears. It’s Orwellian to say the least. And I know how to turn off my own television, or even get rid of it, but in public – the choice is not there. Or so I thought.
Surfing the net one night, I came across a little gizmo. It’s small. It’s black. It’s on a keychain. And so it claims, it can turn off any television. It’s called TV-B-Gone – TVBGone.com is where it’s at, and it was invented by a very brilliant former television junky Mitch Altman.
I spoke with the inventor of TV-B-Gone, a fellow former TV geek like me . . . to hear our conversation, as well as more from handyman Ben, On Being a Good Girl, and featured music by Steven May, a.k.a. Commander Pants of Commanderpants.com, listen to my podcastable or streamable version… XXX Jacoozi
3/13/2007
be a good girl...spooky...very spooky
3/14/2007
Hey Jacoozi,
Kudos on the show. It truly was great! I feel honored to have been a part of it. Thanks. Gail gives the show many thumbs up as well. We are even going to get ourselves a tv-b-gone. So, have you gone about trying to syndicate the show? We really feel that it's up there with the likes of This American Life.
Please feel free to use my music anytime & let me know if you want anymore.
Over and out,
Commander Pants
3/15/2007
I got a TV-B-Gone a little over a year ago and I love it! I was at a hotel in Detroit having breakfast with a bunch of co-workers and our table was directly in front of a gigantic TV just blaring away. I pulled out my TV-B-Gone and a few seconds later it had turned the giant TV, as well as all of ther others in the restaurant off. The amazing thing is that _no one noticed_!
eric
3/16/2007
Dear Jacoozi-
I need some life style advice. Is television watching a binary vice, or is it less reprehensible with a small, grainy image? I am considering giving my 48” hi def tv to the nuns and bringing up from the basement my old 12” set with rabbit ears. Or must I abstain completely?
A Loyal Fan
5/16/2007
The one two sucker pee of Love Boat and Fantasy Island simultaneously saved and destroyed my life. And then the Weather Channel finished the job.
To paraphwase Baudrillard: there must be good weather somewhere, for I am its caricature.
--Jessica Halfgoy
5/17/2007
Ms. Halfgoy: thanks for your comment. I was completely addicted to Love Boat and Fantasy Island as a kid as well. Fantasy Island was past my bedtime so I only ever saw the first few minutes, and then I would be told I had to go to bed, and so it was endlessly intriguing to me. As for Love Boat, I always liked the idea of matchmaking going on whilst people were pumped up with dramamine. It seemed fitting. Jacooz.
5/23/2007
Mr. Roarke had a deadly double, perhaps Satan, and instead of the white suit/black tie combo, Satan Roarke wore black suit/white tie. Sigh. If only it wuz that easy. Maybe it IS that easy!
And forget Titanic. The Pacific Princess was the true ship of dreams.
J. Halfgoy
