7/17/07
ALIENS on my Mind
I have a deep desire to look up into the sky and see a UFO. Pretty hot, ha? It’s true.


5/8/07
THE FRAGILE LINE (Between Life and Death)
"Death is a debt to nature due, That I have paid and so must you."


4/10/07
I DO BELIEVE. I DON'T BELIEVE. AND THE GRAY MATTER IN BETWEEN. PART ONE: GHOSTS (with Jason Webley)
I do believe in life after death. I do believe in ghosts. I do believe in UFO’s. I do. I do not. I do. I do not.


3/27/07
Jewishly Yours, AMERICA
Is America embracing Jewish humor and culture more now than ever? And does it even realize it?


3/13/07
THE WORLD WITH NO B.O. (Televisionland, I mean.)
I don’t care if people are better looking on television. I want to know people, b.o. and all.


2/27/07
Programmed for Unreality
While commercial and corporate America wants us to believe that sexiness is a visual experience, something that must be fabricated by way of purchasing itchy rub-you-raw hootchie slutty ho attire, those of us who have actually HAD good sex know that sexiness is a feeling....


2/13/07
KAREN LEE FOR MAYOR
This is a good opportunity to issue a warning to all the unsuspecting men out there. In case you haven’t heard, women are taking over.


9/19/06
I WAS A LIVE NUDE
Two things I did within the past three months: Posed nude and gave birth. In that order.


7/29/06
ARE YOU REALLY MY FRIEND? REALLY?
Would you come to my funeral if I dropped dead right here, right now, in the middle of this dinner party where you are serving me barbecued chicken and cole slaw . . . ?


7/5/06
GUEST COLUMN: Is It NORMAL to Love a Younger Man? by Bernice Lewis
I like younger men. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? It just so happens that I married one. And that was twenty years ago.


5/18/06
GUEST COLUMN: On Loving a Younger Woman, by David Lamb Minton
So, here's the skinny, old guys. Do you love your younger woman? Not just want to sport fuck her, but LOVE her? Then, don't play Hamlet, go for it. Be foolish, but don't be a fool.


4/18/06
The Pesadic Cult of Fizzy Pleasure
Jewish and non-Jewish Cokeheads alike watch the shelves of supermarkets with great anticipation in the weeks preceding Passover for the yellow-capped bounty to appear.


4/4/06
ANOREXIC IDOL: In Barfy Pursuit of Male Attention
Any girl worth anything must be able to walk into a room, or onto a beach, and attract the sexual desire of any male present. Her ability to do that equals her self worth. Period. It's the cool girls' credo.


Mar. 22, 2006
YOU SHOW ME YOURS AND I'LL SHOW YOU MINE: A Public Restroom Conundrum
Men shower together in communal showers in health clubs. Women do NOT shower together in communal showers in health clubs, but have separate shower stalls. Who are the gender Nazis designing these locker rooms, anyway?


3/14/06
THE ABORTION PILL: Something to Moo and Cluck About?????
Abortion? Birth control? Agriculture? Human domination of the planet? Aren't they all relatively similar?


2/21/06
YOU'RE SOOOOOO STEREOTYPICAL!!
MEN WITH LIMPS have crushes on me. Girls with sloppy ponytails like to give oral sex. Teachers who dye their hair blond have bad breath.


2/15/06
ADULTHOOD: The Great Decline from Childhood
Somewhere around the age of 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 we have a fleeting tenure of being the coolest person we're ever gonna be.


2/1/06
SORRY, BABY, I WAS OUT OF RANGE
Attention, liars, cheaters, fibbers, and sleaze balls!! Your cover may be about to be blown. Cell phone service is now available in South County. Everywhere. There’s no escape.


2005
Give Me Cheez Whiz Or Give Me Death
I was in the grocery store a few days ago and saw a woman buy a jar of Cheez Whiz. Cheez Whiz!


2005
Who Wants To Be A Columnist?
I’ve had a lot of readers ask me lately how I pick topics for my column each week.


2005
Shop-Noxious
So there I stood, in Wal-Mart, after being in the store for about an hour, feeling like my pores were expanding, my face becoming flushed, my nose turning red, my eyes feeling buggy, my brain feeling something like I was on dental-chair gas; feeling lost, feeling like I might faint, and wondering what on earth was wrong with me.


2005
Paranoia Strikes, 3 A.M. Sharp
You’re lying in your bed, sound asleep. It’s the middle of the night.


2005
Molecular Matters
I sold an ugly straight-backed wooden chair with a tattered cushioned seat for $500 yesterday.


2005
The Best Of The Bimbo, Part One:
JACOOZ DISCOVERS THE AGE-OLD PRACTICE OF BUNDLING:
A SEXY SEX-LESS YANKEE DATING ENTERPRISE
(Note: A version of this column appeared as a feature story in the Berkshire Eagle some time around the winter of 2000. Juliane, in a fairly schizophrenic episode, writes here about her “friend” Jacooz, and her budding romance with the now well-known handyman Ben.)


2005
Eine Kleine Nose Music
Forget the Breathe Easy Strips. And don’t waste your precious thousands on sleep clinics, laser surgery, nasal sprays or mouth contraptions.


2005
Vibration Nation
There’s a little zippity-do going on, day in and day out, that nobody seems to be bold enough to discuss.


2005
The Silence of the Tampons
There I was, driving in my car, feeling both intoxicated and mesmerized by the way the sun was filtering through the branches overhead, having one of those rare moments of semi-complete optimism, when I was suddenly and unpleasantly accosted


2005
The Consumer Culture of Parenting
“Have some of these, honey, they’re yummy,” a friend of mine said to his daughter the other day.


2005
This Is Your Brain On W
I got a very disturbing e-mail the other day.


2005
A Little Dose of Reality
I awoke in a dark hospital room at around 5 a.m.


2005
The Ignorance Prescription:
My Guide to a Healthy Romantic Relationship
IN THE BEGINNING, we are perfection.


2005
ABSTINENCE Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
“What did you learn at school today, lamb?”


2005
Quarter Life Crisis
I recently had a birthday.


2005
There's BEAUTY in my SEARCH STRINGS
Let me shatter some glamorous illusions.


2005
Survival of the Fitting
There’s a pair of uber-tight black silk Armani pants hanging in my closet.


2005
Cave Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
It’s big, it’s black, it’s rock hard, and it’s 22,500 years older than the wheel.



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PUCKER UP, BUTTERCUP
I have a new relationship with lemons. They are not just a sour yellow citrus fruit. They hold magic powers.



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I'M TOO UBER COOL FOR WORDS, BABY
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